TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely from put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have another place the place American Adult males can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you everyone a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he really should prevent working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where guests may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 18% reported "where's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting focus from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even include:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort in which my PTSD can have change-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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